Siren Song
by stellamaru
Summary: Hoshi makes a new friend. Unintended consequences follow. Pure silliness.
1. Ostrich Defense

Generic disclaimer: I don't own the characters. I make no money. This is all part of an elaborate procrastination method on my part--please don't sue me! 

Notes: A silly old thing. Too much caffeine and old Marx Brothers movies do it every time... 

Siren Song  
by StellaMaru 

====== 

**Ch. 1: Ostrich Defense**

_In which two offers are met with varying success._

It all started when Hoshi accepted the Royal Keeper of Language, Linguist 3rd Rank (Imbued) Count Pevilian Pevilisk, second male offspring of Pevil and Tskina, Prince and Princess of Her Royal Highness Empress Sadakila of the Golden Autocracy's fifth planet, Ulniria, Shining Jewel of the Empire's offer of friendship. 

After three days of calling him by his full title every time she addressed him (as was dictated by Imperial etiquette), and he addressing her as "Hoshi Sato, Linguist of Enterprise, Ensign of the Starfleet of Earth, third planet of Sol, Green Living Jewel of Humanity" every time they wanted to talk she finally told him (in the formal Imperial manner): 

"the Royal Keeper of Language, Linguist 3rd Rank (Imbued) Count Pevilian Pevilisk, second male offspring of Pevil and Tskina, Prince and Princess of Her Royal Highness Empress Sadakila of the Golden Autocracy's fifth planet, Ulniria, Shining Jewel of the Empire may address me as Hoshi." 

The Count paused and said: "Hoshi Sato, Linguist of Enterprise, Ensign of the Starfleet of Earth, third planet of Sol, Green Living Jewel of Humanity, wishes to speak informally? She wishes an offer of friendship?" Hoshi did her best to approximate an Ulnirian nod, which involved moving her whole body from side to side. The Count smiled showing his third set of teeth. "Excellent! This humble creature offers Hoshi Sato his friendship, and wishes to speak informally. Does Hoshi Sato agree?" Hoshi Sato did. The Count took her arm in his and said "you may call me Pevilian, I can't stand hearing that whole title every time someone speaks to me!" 

After that their collaboration on languages of the Golden Autocracy improved vastly. They worked closely on downloading as many of the Imperial languages as they could into the UT, and Pevilian helped Hoshi with some of the finer semantic points as well as the myriad of idiomatic expressions found in the Empire. 

When Enterprise prepared to leave the Ulniria system Pevilian escorted her to the shuttlepod and presented her with a book of Ulnirian poems celebrating the Delicacy and Wisdom of Sadakila the Fifth. Hoshi performed the intricate hand movements needed to express sadness at parting. He spread his arms in mimicry of a human hug. "Hoshi my friend," he said, "you filled me with joy when you accepted my friendship, please join me in exchanging _eshthist_ so that our friendship may mingle and continue eternally!" With that, he opened the glands below his mouth and sprayed Hoshi with mist of liquid. Hoshi blinked rapidly, not knowing if it was rude to wipe the fluid out of her eyes, and gave him two quick kisses, one on each cheek. 

On the trip back to Enterprise Hoshi tried to wipe the liquid off but it was now quite sticky. "I'll be stuck in decon for a week," she said to Trip, "who knew a goodbye kiss between friends could involve so much goo?" 

"You've never been kissed by my cousin Charlotte," Trip said, "woman wears so much lipstick you'd think she was fixing to be the only gal at a round-the-world New Year's Eve party." He paused. "Which I guess is true, in a manner of speaking." He looked a Hoshi, covered in sticky Ulnirian glandular excretion. "Say, Hoshi, you know tomorrow's movie night... if you don't have any other plans, maybe you'd like to, ah, go with me? Or we could just have dinner or something, if you want..." Hoshi stared at him. Trip was asking her out? 

"Are you asking me out?" she said. 

"Do you want to go out?" he said. This was weird. Trip always treated her like a little sister. She didn't want to date him. It seemed incestuous. Had she so misread him this past year and a half? He seemed genuinely nervous about it; his accent was showing and he was talking about his colorful relatives. It was like Malcolm's slight stammer and throat clearing, or Travis and his jokes. 

"I--" How do you turn down your friend (not to mention superior officer) without hurting his feelings or making things uncomfortable between you? "--can I get back to you?" You don't. Evade the issue and hope it goes away. Classic ostrich defense. 

"Don't take to long, baby doll," he said. Baby doll?! This could be worse than she thought. 


	2. Lucky Dog

**Ch. 2: Lucky Dog**

_In which your intrepid author attempts technobabble and Porthos makes an appearance._

"I think you should confine yourself to your quarters for the next two days," Phlox said. He had been scanning her and taking samples for three hours after she got out of decon. "Apparently the _eshthist_ glands around the Ulnerian mouth secrete a concentrated form of pheromones. They absorbed into your skin and stimulated your own pheromonal production. In short, you are emitting the highest level of pheromones I have ever observed in a human. I believe I have had some success in combating this, but you won't be back to normal for at least two days." 

"And I can't work? I don't feel any different." 

"You may not, but your crewmates will. Your presence may cause disruption and tension among them. They will respond to your pheromones and react at an exaggerated level." 

"You mean, people who wouldn't ordinarily be interested in me... intimately... will be?" she said, thinking about Trip asking her out. 

"Precisely," Phlox said, "I am giving you medical leave for the next two days. I would suggest you spend it with minimal interaction with the rest of the crew. I can arrange to have meals brought to your quarters, if you like." Hoshi clapped her hands to her face, hiding her eyes. 

"Okay," she said, "there isn't any way not to tell the others about this, is there?" 

"I will be the soul of discretion," Phlox said. "Is that by any chance a new garment you are wearing? The colors are most flattering." Hoshi looked down at her regulation tank top. 

"I'll be in my quarters," she said. 

Hoshi stepped out of the shower and dressed for bed, tee and sweats. She was combing out her hair when the door chimed. "Yes?" she called and Trip walked in. 

"I heard you were out sick," he said, "I brought you some chicken soup and soda crackers." He set his tray down on the desk, paused a moment, and sat in her chair. 

"Thanks," she said, "but I don't think you should stay. I could... give you something." 

"I'm healthy as an ox," he replied, "I'm not afraid of some alien bug." 

"All the same," she said, "I should probably get some rest." She stood by the door and opened it. Malcolm was standing on the other side, just about to ring the chime. "Malcolm," she said. Great. The one guy on the ship she wouldn't mind attracting some extra attention from, and it was only going to happen because of some Ulnirian friendship spit. 

"Hoshi," he said, clearing his throat, "I heard you were ill. I-- I brought you a copy of Infiltration. It's a strategy game. Ah, quite good for passing the time when you're sick." 

"Something you'd know a lot about, Lieutenant?" Trip said, still seated at her desk. 

"Commander," Malcolm stepped into the room, "I didn't notice you there." 

"Maybe you should notice this: Hoshi has company and doesn't need to be disturbed." Trip glared at Malcolm. _Limey bastard_. Malcolm glared at Trip. _Fuckwit hillbilly_. Malcolm opened his mouth to respond. 

"Maybe you both should leave," Hoshi broke in, "I really need to get some rest." She was about to open the door when the doctor arrived. 

"Ensign, what are you doing entertaining? You should be alone. I don't want to have to issue an official quarantine... and might I say that shade of blue is delightful!" He was staring at her tee shirt. 

Phlox was followed in short time by Travis (with a humorous novel), Ensign Mars from across the hall, two crewmen from the Armory (quickly scared off by Malcolm), and Chef (with a special dish). When the door chimed again Hoshi yelled, "who the hell is it this time?" 

"Hoshi... It's Captain Archer." 

"Thank goodness," she said, "can you order everyone to leave?" She sat slumped on the edge of her bed. Archer walked in, Porthos in tow. The dog sniffed. The female smelled good! Almost as good as cheese! Porthos ran over to Hoshi's bed and flopped next to her, resting his head on her lap. Everyone in the room stared at him thinking the same thing: lucky dog. 

"I just stopped by to say I hope you're feeling better," Archer said, "I wouldn't want anything to happen to my most beautiful crew member." He sat next to her and touched her hair. 

"That's it!" Hoshi stood up abruptly. "Doctor, will you please explain to everyone that they're acting this way because of some strange glandular stuff, not because of anything real?" The doctor was examining the contents of her shirt drawer and barely looked up. "Argh!" Hoshi yelled and ducked out door, trying to jam it shut. 

"This might do the trick," she heard Malcolm's voice behind her. He used his security code to lockdown her quarters. "We'd better go," he said, "the Captain can override my lockdown, when he thinks of it." Hoshi followed him down the corridor. 

"Malcolm," she said, "maybe I should go to T'Pol's quarters." She tried not to think about what the Vulcan would say about her predicament. 

"We'll go to mine," he said, clearing his throat, "I can lock them from the inside and no one will be able to get in. Now what's all this about some strange glandular stuff?" 


	3. Cat and Canary

**Ch. 3: Cat and Canary**

_In which clothing is discussed and food metaphors abound._

Hoshi looked at Malcolm's desk, his chair, and his bed, looked at anything but Malcolm. This is terrific, she thought, stuck in Malcolm's room for two days, him unable to resist my feminine wiles. I'd think I was daydreaming except I know it isn't real. He doesn't really want me here. She risked a glance at Malcolm. He is something, she thought, mysterious, confident, decidedly easy on the eyes, and that lovely voice. He was looking at her like she was chocolate covered chocolate with chocolate sprinkles on top. It made her knees weak. "I don't think I should stay here," she said, "maybe they'll all go to bed soon." 

"Don't be silly," he said, "you can stay. I'll go if you're uncomfortable." He started to gather some clothing and toiletries. "Is that my shirt?" 

"Yes. I guess I forgot to give it back," she said. Oh, god. Now he knows I sleep in his shirt. This is almost as bad as the hot plate in my quarters incident. Can't I ever be cool and collected around him? She sat on the edge of his bed, not wanting to mess up his crisp hospital corners. The door chimed and she jumped, startled. She slipped off the edge of the bed and landed flat on the floor. "Fuck!" Now he thinks I can't even sit right. The door chimed again and Malcolm answered without unlocking it. 

"Malcolm, I know you're in there." Trip's voice filtered through the intercom. "Phlox explained everything. Just let Hoshi out." Malcolm looked at Hoshi, on the floor by the bed. She shook her head no. 

"I'm sorry, I don't think she wants to come out now," he said. 

"Damn it, you can't keep her all to yourself!" 

"Trip," Hoshi said, "I'll be fine. I'm just going to stay here until this wears off. Nothing is going to happen." There was no answer from Trip. After a few minutes Malcolm went back to packing. "You could stay, for a little," she said, "just in case anyone's out there...Ó He paused. 

"I've been meaning to tell you something--" 

"No, don't," she said, "don't say anything right now. If it's important you can tell me in two days." She smiled, the corners of her mouth upturning slightly. It would be so easy to walk over to him and kiss him and touch him and whisper her heart to him. 

"I-- I just want you to know I felt this way before all this happened," he said. 

"Please, I don't want you to say something you'll regret," she said. Was it true? Or was he making it up under the influence of Pevilian's pheromones? 

"I won't," he whispered so quiet she almost didn't catch it. Her breath caught. 

She took the bed, at his insistence. He sat with his back leaning on the door. They sat in the dark, not sleeping. 

"You know," she said, "I used to imagine what it would be like to be one of those women who walk into a room and commands the attention of every man in it. I've decided it's not all it's cut out to be." 

"I can't imagine you've had many problems commanding male attention," he said. 

"Well, not like that though," she said, "not like T'Pol. She walks into a room and everyone notices. Everyone sits up a bit straighter." 

"There is the small matter of her being a Vulcan," he said, "people are fascinated by what is alien and different." 

"Especially when they have nice bums?" she said, giggling. 

"I'm going to kill him." 

=== 

**Three days later.**

Hoshi moved back into her quarters without incident. She hadn't seen Malcolm in almost a day; she had moved out while he was on shift, leaving his shirt neatly folded on his bed. She made her first appearance in the mess hall and quietly ate dinner. 

"Well if it isn't the _femme fatale_ herself," Travis said, sitting down. "You know, we could bottle that stuff and make our fortune selling love potions throughout the galaxy." She laughed; she was glad things weren't too weird with him. Trip entered the room, saw her and u-turned right back out the door. She ran after him. 

"Trip, wait a minute," she said. 

"Hoshi, I'm sorry," he said, looking down at his shoes. "I--" 

"I know," she said, "it's all right. Just don't ever call me baby doll again, okay?" She smiled. He met her eyes and grinned. 

"Sure thing, sugar lump," he said with a wink. 

Hoshi made her way back to her quarters. Talking to the captain tomorrow wasn't going to be fun, she thought; she'd be back on the bridge, working. She hoped it wasn't uncomfortable. She picked up the game Macolm had given her and played a few rounds, trying not to think about him, what he would or wouldn't say. The door chimed. 

"Come in," she said. Malcolm stood in the doorway holding the shirt she'd left on his bed. 

"You should keep this," he said, "I want you to keep it. I-- I like that you wear it..." He looked at her like a cat looks at a canary. She stood and walked over to him before her knees melted. He threw the shirt on her bed and cupped her face, meeting her eyes. He leaned to her and touched his lips to hers. She closed her eyes and opened her mouth, running her tongue along his bottom lip. 

"mmm..." She put her hands on his waist and pulled him closer. 

"What?" He ran a line of soft kisses along her jaw and nibbled at her ear. 

"Remind me to send a long message to Ulniria," she said, her hands twisting the fabric of his uniform, "thanking Pevilian for his most generous gift of friendship..." He turned them quickly, pressing her against the door with his body. He kissed her neck and bit gently at the spot where neck meets shoulder. She gasped. 

"Later," he said. 

---end--- 


End file.
